Mine's the diamante!

Family relocation, whether to Australia or elsewhere in the world, has a distinct pitfall for Mum and Dad – making friends is hard once you’re a parent. The families we talk to say that making friends is one of the hardest things about their relocation.

The pitfalls of parent friendships

When you become a parent life is suddenly all about the kids. Putting our wants and wishes last has got worse as our children have got older and since moving to Australia. We’ve been so busy setting our kids up with friends and activities that we forgot about ourselves.

With a newborn, parents still have a certain amount of independence and might even get to the end of a conversation with someone they’ve met. Older children, however, have demands; they know what they want and let you know. You may also be so tied up with taking them to their activities and to meet their friends that you have no time of your own.

Making friends with work colleagues, something you probably did before having kids, also fades away. You might have to leave the office on time every day to pick the kids up from childcare or be part of the bedtime routine. You’re time poor and always on a schedule; having a glass of wine with a colleague after work is great for workplace bonding but it isn’t in the parenting books we’ve read.

A more sensitive challenge you’ll be faced with when starting fresh and making friends as a Mum or Dad is that you will need (or want) to find people whose children you like, who get on with your children and who are on a similar page to you when it comes to parenting. It would be boring if we were all the same and we’re not saying you can ONLY be friends with people who have the exact principals and parenting style to you; but if you’ve met someone you get on well with but can’t mix your families together because their kids regularly upset yours, it’s a deal breaker.

Making connections and forming friendships

Not long after arriving in Sydney we published the article Making friends in Australia is easier than you think. Meeting people and making connections was much easier than I thought it would be when we left the UK.

At the time I wrote this article, I had met plenty of local mums and was never lonely, but as time progressed I realised that most of these people only knew me as Mum, they didn’t really know me and the same could be said for how well I was getting to know them.

I would meet mums regularly with the children and have a very enjoyable time but I still felt I didn’t have anyone with whom I could totally be myself. I assumed this would come in time, but as a parent, the time it takes can go on forever.

The heady days of being yourself

Making friends and meeting people before being a parent; at school, uni or as a young professional was a breeze compared to the parent years. You had time to gradually display your true self; you had fun, joked and talked about nothing in order to get to know someone very well.

Once you’re a parent people arguably see the best and worst of you very quickly –  tired, running late, dealing with challenging children, demonstrating your beliefs in the behaviour you’ll tolerate (or not) in your kids. It’s as if people you meet go straight to your core and then get to know the rest of you. Someone you’ve known for weeks can know so much about you as a parent but so little about the adult person you are.

We’ve been living in Sydney for nearly two years and have some good friends who, incidentally, don’t always share our parenting beliefs and quirks.  We have spent plenty of time socialising as a family and recently had our second night out with friends, without the kids.

It’s hard to believe that we’ve known the other parents for nearly two years but never got together without the kids. Finally it feels like our friendship has moved to another level; we’ve stepped out of our parent roles and are being ourselves. It shouldn’t have taken so long!

Does Mum have a solution?

Feeling a little wiser, in terms of our relocation anyway, here are our five top “making friends” tips for relocating parents.

1. Make sure you organise some adult time and don’t be afraid to suggest nights out without the kids. We feel we’ve been far too wrapped up in the kid’s activities and lives; we need to start investing as much effort into planning our own social activities!

2. Don’t be tight with babysitting – yes, we know it adds to the overall cost of a night out (up to $100 per night in Sydney, thank you) but you’re not going to be out every night or week. We suggest setting a monthly babysitting budget and using it.

3. Take part in community clubs and events – our kids love it when Mum and Dad get involved in their sporting events and extracurricular activities, it’s also a great way to get to know local parents.

4. Teach your kids that Mum and Dad have their friends too – it’s good for them to see you going out to meet friends and living your life. If your kids embrace your social life they might encourage you to go out even more.

5. Be creative with your time and what you do with your friends – there are plenty of great reasons to get out in the evening with your new friends (and without the kids). Joining a book club and going to a fitness class together are some of the things we’ve tried and enjoyed.

If you’re new to Australia, how are you getting on with meeting people and making friends? If you’ve been here for a while, how long did it take you to make a strong friendship circle? We’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences; do you agree that it gets harder to make friends once you’re a parent? Thank you.

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